When I sit down to write, it’s always an adventure as I never know where my thoughts will lead me. I simply sit down, pound away at my keyboard, and let the story unfold. I am certain that people who have studied the fine art of writing would caution that this is not the proper way to approach it but as I am an uninstructed hack, I do what I like.
Today is February 14th; a day dedicated to romantic love. My thoughts are focused on a few things this very, very cold morning. As I look around my Toronto flat and the only thing I see is the illumination of my laptop, the only thing I hear is the slight whirling of the fan of the humidifier, I am reminded that I am alone. No lover in my bed, no one to sneak in a delightful shag, no one to prepare a meal made with love…I suppose at my advanced age I should be sad or more fashionably, bitter but I am none of these things. Have I lost my belief in Love? Have I stopped believing it exists? Have I given up hope? These are some of the thoughts creating a colourful synapses.
I have not lost my belief in Love, this much I know. I have been in Love, I have been loved, I have lost Love. Love is very real and it exists just as air exists, it breathes euphoria into life and makes this existence more vibrant, euphoric and meaningful. Love is actually an incredible drug; a drug I recommend everyone gets high on. It makes this grey world a kaleidoscope of colour, It is my ardent belief that while under the influence of love, the human condition is elevated. You are kinder, more positive, more inclined to lead with feeling and vastly less self centred. Ah…what a glorious trip.
Unfortunately, as with all drugs, even with Love, you can have a bad trip. What if your love is greater? What if the Love you feel for another is not reciprocated? The dark side of Love is incredibly destructive and dare I say it – dangerous. The green headed monster jealousy can rear its vicious head when you suspect the object of your affections has set their sights on another. Perhaps your concerns are unwarranted but once the seed of jealousy takes hold, many a nasty event can take place. Have you witnessed or experience Loves darker side? We have all read of the tragic consequences of love gone wrong. Violence both physical and emotional can be weapons inspired by Love. Loves darker side is just as powerful. Love is the most powerful force in the universe, perhaps it why we cherish it and fear it in equal measure.
I have experienced different types of Love, some have made me sing at the top of my lungs and smile so much that my jaw was causing me physical pain. I have also felt the destructive force of Love gone wrong, so very wrong that it took me years to regroup and this is a very big but – I survived and ultimately repaired my heart, made it stronger. These experiences, good and bad have given me perspective. Have I lost hope that Love will visit my heart again? Not in the slightest. If anything, it has fuel my belief that Love will come again and perhaps, and just maybe it will be the Love that lasts.
Love is a fierce creature that I must approach with caution while simultaneously keeping my heart open in equal measure. I know what to look for because of some of the more beautiful experiences and I also know what to protect myself against. You see all of the Loves of my life have been my greatest teachers; good and sad. I am now at a stage in my life that I am able to fully experience transformative Love. I may not know when but I am ready.
I dedicate this entry to all who have Loved and lost. Do not give up on this life altering state. Love is out there for everyone. Every old sock meets an old shoe. Do not let this day dedicated to romantic love make you sad, let it fuel your hope that one day this too will be you. Do something lovely for yourself. Be your own Valentine. Keep Loving you! Why? Love attracts Love.
From the bottom of my heart,