I seem to be missing the joy that many have regarding the day that I was squeezed out into the world. Each Birthday I try so hard to have it pass without notice. I would prefer to have it be a day of quite contemplation. A day to think about the last 12 months; the good, the bad, the ugly. I thought that this year I had figured out a way to avoid the fanfare, wrong! This year it was LinkedIn that gave me away. Note to self: adjust settings on LinkedIn.
I am not certain why I have a lackluster appreciation for my 47th year, I did many amazing things. I traveled in Europe for 5 weeks, 4 weeks on my own. I got a sweet condo in one of my favourite neighborhoods in Toronto. I rediscovered who I really am, what moves me, my hard limits and such. I’m still above ground for Christ sake; so why so glum? I made myself vulnerable and fell in Love with someone who couldn’t love me back. If ‘All you need is love’, what does it mean if you are unloved? It means you have the gaping hole in your heart the that allows all the other great experiences to pass through unappreciated.
A woman who is approaching 50 and has yet to figure out how to find and keep love is a heartbreaking creature. Yup, you have read my words correctly. I know it is unpopular to state that fact, but it’s true! Fall in love with yourself, they say. You are complete on your own, they say. Find reward in your extracurricular activities. I could go on. I suppose there is truth to all the persistent reminders but, and this is a big one, it’s not enough. There, I wrote it down. It is not enough.
I have so much love to give. I fear my capacity to love is way too grand. Now I must ponder, what do I do with huge capacity to love in a romantic relationship? Perhaps I could write a romance? Perhaps I could write mournful poetry? Perhaps I could create a bitter stand-up routine and make the other women in my situation know that I too think being alone sucks the big penis!
My friends tell me I am beautiful, accomplished and a metric fuck-ton of fun. I look in the mirror and like what I see. I got lucky in the DNA lottery and I know that I am pleasing visually. I am a bit curvy, but common, who doesn’t like a little extra to hold on to? Hell, I am financially secure, I am well read and relatively sane considering the insane world we live in; and yet…why am I so “table for one”?.
Men and Women tell me all the time: “how is it you’re single”? Fuck if I know. Is it possible that I will never find an everlasting love? If yes, how do I channel this enormous capacity to love, I mean truly, madly, deeply love.
I guess 48 will be the year I throw caution to the wind. This will be a year that I will make myself even more vulnerable and re-enter the world. Screw all the advice I have received from my loving friends since I was 14. Fuck all the books I have devoured about meeting the right person. I am going to state my intentions to all 3 of you who read my musings. I will follow my heart and boldly experiment with meeting a guy who is up to the challenge of having me in their life. This could be disastrous but my own personal history tells me that I have always had to create my path, I guess it is no different when it comes to romantic love. If nothing else, it will make for some amusing entries.